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a walk down memorylane ♥

Maybe I should listen to my heart less, and listen to my mind more,


because the wounds keep reopening and reopening.
It hurts deeper and more painful each time.

I should have never let my guard down. I should never have reopened the gate of the wall I've been trying to build. Now my efforts are futile. And I have to start all over. To rebuild that wall, that line of defence. Because I don't know how much more can I absorb. I don't know how long more can I endure.

Grace, you have to learn to protect yourself.
Trust no one. (Just like in running man)

It's been exactly five years. I still miss my grandma dearly.
We lived on opposite ends of Singapore, which is why we only met on occassions.
There was once, though, I decided to stay over for two weeks.
I was twelve or thirteen.
At that age, my cantonese was beyond terrible (though it still is but much better).
But she could only speak cantonese.
Everyday I was there, I enjoyed her cooking and soups (all of us do), esepcially her baby kailan (It's the nicest I've eaten in my life).
And she had to force bitter tonic soups down my throat (because it was so bitter I refused to drink), by pinching my nose. (I was so stubborn huh?)
The best part? She played UNO with me!
Bear in mind that we could hardly communicate with each other, yet we still managed to. Somehow.

She was the only grandparent I had when I was born (The rest were gone before I was born).
And when she left, my heart sank so much I still remember how it hurts.
After she left, nobody called me by my cantonese name anymore. I haven't heard it since.
I still think about her pretty often, because I miss her so dearly.

Rest in peace, popo.
You'll always be in my heart, and all of ours.

Do you know that feeling? The feeling when you're feeling so cold, but it's not because the weather is cold, it's your heart that is frozen. Shivering even when the fan is turned away. This huge mass of sadness overwhelms you. Everything you say or do is wrong. Nothing is right. Nobody ever gives in to you.

The world is unfair. Everything is one-sided. Opinions, views, perceptions, everything.

It feels terrible to be on this side. I forgot what it was like on the other side. And now that I'm trying to get back to the other side, it's so difficult. Because I've been pushed right to the corner. But precisely because I'm pushed to the corner, I will make myself get up stronger and get back to the other side.

Do you know how does it feel when someone you care doesn't seem to understand?
It's painful.
You think maybe you haven't thought it through thorough enough. So you decided to give yourself more time to think. And when you have, you feel it's a fair reasoning. Yet the person still doesn't agree. And you simply don't understand why. Yeah, I simply don't understand why. Opinions that are worlds apart, even after I've put myself in your shoes and after you've put yourself in my shoes. I don't understand why you don't understand. And you don't understand why I don't understand. At the end of the day, someone has to give in. No matter how painful it is. This time, I chose to endure the pain. Maybe because, I've set myself a brand new resolution. A new resolution to give up trying so hard. Because it always ends up fruitless anyway. Maybe I'll find myself happier, once I'm used to this. Yeah, used to it. The term "used to it" is actually pretty dangerous. When a girl gets "used to it", it's usually beyond repair.

Few know that this is my hideout when my world is upside down. Since my last post was ancient ago, I can actually say that I was pretty happy with everything I had. It was to the extent that I thought my life was perfect enough for me. But I guess life can never be smooth. It was up, now it's down. (Maybe I should just hold on to the hope that it will go up again, but time is another question)

I honestly thought my life could only get better. But I was so wrong. It's far from my expectations. (and we're back to "With expectation comes disappointment". Oh why don't I ever learn this.)

My life changed. From two months back.

To make it short... insecurities, imperfections and fears among many others.

Imperfections.

I see too much of that in myself. Yeah, myself, not others. If you were to put me in the midst of others, they are all perfect to me. And this dangerously highlights my imperfections to me. I guess I know myself too well to be able to see all the flaws I have in me. And with such imperfections comes fear. With fear comes insecurity. With insecurity comes craziness. With craziness comes depression.

Everything I do seems to be wrong. Everything I say seems to be not believable, not trustworthy. Since I was young, nobody ever truly believed in me. Not even my parents. (Nobody, but maybe just one, A) And my whole life I'm just trying to prove to the world that maybe, sometimes, just believe it me. That will mean a lot to me.


Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most.

I don't remember the number of times I've mentioned that sometimes I wish I were an ostrich. Bury my head underground and hide from the world, even if the world can still see me clearly.

GRACE;



Love me when I least deserve it,
beacause that is when I need it the most.